As I was holding little Iris this morning I realized something huge. Since having Iris I decided that I didn't want to have more babies. It was too hard in many ways and too expensive for me and all my complications. Most people I have told this to and shared my story with understand. I remember when we had our first baby Eden I said " I don't know how many times I can do this. Maybe having babies isn't for me." but that all changed. I felt the healing balm of the Spirit and felt the tender mercies of the Lord and I knew that I would do whatever the Lord asked of me and Trust in his divine plan for my family. At the end of my pregnancy with Eleanor I said the same basic thing. "My pregnancies are too hard I don't think I can do this again." but the moment I saw Eleanor for the very first time I knew that I would do it all over again for her and for my babies waiting in the spirit world. I trust in the Lord. I trust in the Lord and that hasn't changed since having Iris. Yes it was very hard having her 10 weeks early and having to have her in the NICU for 7 weeks and then to bring her home and have to deal with oxygen and monitors and everything else but it is also a time of amazing peace, love, and understanding for our family. I realized this morning that I will do whatever the Lord will ask or require of me to do. I will have as many babies as he will send to our family and I will do it joyfully. I will suffer and sacrifice for my babies because that is what Mothers do. This realization surprised me completely but I don't think it will surprise my husband or family.