Find the Joy

      On September 22, 2008 Eden was born. Since we just celebrated her birthday I thought I should share her legacy. It is a legacy of love and sacrifice that lives on in my heart. Her birth and death has a heavy hand in shaping me into who I am today and in directing me to always do and be better.

      Trevor and I were counselled by our Stake President to wait to have children until after we were sealed in the Temple and then to do so with prayer. Shortly after we were married I became baby hungry but Trevor being the wise man that he is said we needed to wait and we needed to pray about it. We waited two years and while watching conference a voice came into my mind and said "It is time." I immediately knew that it was the Lord telling me it was time to have children. I told Trevor and he was not ready but he took the time to pray and came around. 

      We were pregnant in that first month and everything was going well. I felt her move when I was just 16 weeks along. Which I am so thankful for because 5 weeks later she was born. 

      It was Sunday. We had the primary program that day and I had played the flute. I was really uncomfortable and she was really wiggly. My stomach felt tight. I kept getting odd pains in my lower back on and off all day. I kept feeling like the baby was pushing on me and going too low. Trevor told me the next day that before leaving my moms house he felt inspired that I needed a blessing but he waved it off thinking it was nothing.
      That night when we got home from dinner at my moms I knew something wasn't right. The pain wasn't going away and it was getting worse. We called the nurse and they had me lay down on on my left side and drink some water. If I was going to drink some water I had to go potty first. As I came back I felt something. I was bleeding. We were told to go to the hospital right away. I went upstairs to change and when I got down my water broke. Trevor was on the phone with my mom and she said to all an ambulance. The look on his face in forever etched in my mind. A look of fear and pain and love. 

      When the ambulance came they brought with them the big fire truck with the ladder. I don't know why they thought we needed a ladder. I remember being worried as they came in the house that my carpet was going to get dirty and they were going to step in the amniotic fluid. The fireman trying to do my IV sucked which is irronic because the girl in the ambulance got it in while we were driving away. They wouldn't let Trevor ride with me and I was so scared and felt so alone. When we got to the hospital we went straight to the delivery room and I could still feel her moving around.

      In my room they got me situated and tried to find Trevor. He drove out with my mom and brother Pat. The spirit of the Lord filled that hospital room in a way that I cannot describe. I was not left alone to wait for my family. My mother said it was the closest she has ever felt to being in the presence of God, even while in the Temple. We asked for some privacy so Trevor and Pat could give me a blessing. Pat anointed me and Trevor blessed me. He promised me that the Lord knew me and loved me. That he was proud of me. He reminded me that because of our Temple covenants that our family will be together forever and to have peace. 

      We listened to the Doctors and Nurses tell us statistics and give us some very bleak options. We didn't know what to do. We didn't know what was right. Trevor suggested that we pray and ask God. It was His daughter too and He could see and would know what was best for her and for us. No sooner had Trevor asked what the Lords would have us do then she was born. I had a terrible contraction and started to get sick and she just... came with us and the angles. I sat up and held her as best as I could with the umbilical cord still attached and talked to her while we waited for the nurses to come back. I am forever thankful that the Lord delivered her for us. That Eden and I did not have to suffer long. What had felt like minutes has actually been hours. It seemed we were blessed with the gift of time as well. 

      We took turns holding her. I cried as I watched Trevor hold her and rock her in his hands.She had wisps of blonde hair and a high forehead like her dads. Her little pinkie was crooked like Trevor's too. She had long slender toes. The nurses took her and they dressed her but nothing fit she was barely a pound. They took pictures for us and gave us a beautiful painted box with the Items they had taken her pictures with. I was taken to a small room for the rest of the night. They showed me how to take care of  myself after having a baby and warned me that my milk might still come in, which it did days later and was very painful. The next day we went home. I can't adequately explain the pain I felt at having to be wheeled out of the hospital by the nursery caring just a box with some pictures and baby items. 

      The people of my ward rallied together and we were not left without. Upon arriving home our pantry and fridge were filled and many came with words of wisdom and love. We received cards of sympathy and flowers and packages.  All of this outpouring of love could not compare to the love and peace I felt from the Lord. I was never left comfortless. I was never left alone. The walls of our home were a literal sanctuary from the world, a Temple. 

      I didn't sleep much but I stayed up and read and prayed and talked to Trevor. Trevor had a habit of rubbing my belly and the first time he did that we both cried. For a moment we had forgotten.Our first outing to the store was torture. There were too many people. It was too loud. I had  hard time being anywhere but home for weeks. The weeks turned to months and we met with a specialist who was amazing and very optimistic. We were told we could have another baby right away, but we were not ready. We knew such a decision had to be made on our knees. Several months later during another Conference the same soft voice whispered "It is time." I was scared and still grieving but I had faith in the Lord and in His will. 

      Once again we were pregnant right away and with more doctor appointments then I care to count I carried Eleanor to term. I will never forget the first time I heard her and saw her and held her. I spoke to her and she quieted. My joy was ten times what my grief had been. My hospital room was once again a place of peace and love and a place close to God. I knew that despite my troubles I would do it all again. I knew that when the Lord said "It is time" that I would be ready and willing. That little voice came again a few years later and after a long but not long enough pregnancy and some time in the hospital we were blessed with Iris.
      We are meant to feel sorrow so that we can feel joy. We are meant to feel heartache so we can feel love. We meant to feel pain so that we can be thankful when we are whole and without pain. We are meant to live our lives together and to share so that we can lift others and succor them the way the Savior succors us. 

      It is my hope and my prayer that by sharing my experience and my testimony that I can help others to find Christ and the healing balm of His love. That though we grieve we need not grieve alone. Eden would be 8 this year. Trevor realized yesterday that he would be baptizing her this month. We still miss her. I mourn her having gone home to our Father in Heaven so soon. In the quiet moments I can feel her love and hear her voice. I look forward with hope to when I can see her again.